Author: timpangburn

I’m mentally ill. I talk about mental health in a way that creates a separation between me and the sickness, making it appear like I have my shit together. The problem is that my awareness of my illness does not remove the episodes, and no matter how much personal work I do or what medications I take, I am still mentally ill.

Sometimes I don’t like myself. I’ve spent my adult life playing tug of war between knowing I’m a good person, and believing I’m a monster. Lord knows I’ve done enough monstrous things. Lord knows I actively fight that monster.

A lot of people think that you shouldn’t have to actively fight instinct, and you should just be yourself. But you see, people like me can’t just “be.” Just being means that I will inevitably give in to the worst behavior that still lies dormant in my core. If I don’t put up a fight, I will burn everything to the ground.

What’s fucked up is that when I look back on all of the things I wanted but I didn’t do because I knew they were wrong, I regret it. I regret doing the right thing. I look back on failed relationships and think I should’ve just fucked those other girls when I had a chance. I look back and think I should’ve taken more drugs when I had the chance. I reflect on so much of my life from that fucked up place that I barely know what to make of it.

I could’ve gotten higher. I could’ve had more reckless sex. I could’ve been a full blown degenerate deviant. And part of me wishes I had been.

That is, part of me wishes I had been, when I’m in the middle of an episode. When all I really want to do is burn it down to numb my pain and my loneliness. When I know I can’t do that anymore. When nothing brings a sense of joy.

My brain is a fucking asshole. I’ve accomplished so much, and I have everything I’ve wanted, yet my own mind doesn’t let me enjoy it. And this is the curse, this is the fine print on the contract. I can achieve anything, but the depression will still sap the joy from it and leave it bleak and grey.

People don’t understand that when you’re depressed, it’s not that you’ve given up, it’s that you can no longer muster the strength to do it any longer. It’s a war with no end. Some battles you win, others you lose, and the tide can turn at any moment. Sometimes you get battle fatigue and don’t have the power to face it, so you run.

I want to run more than ever right now. This has hands down been the most difficult and trying year of my life, and it’s showing no signs of letting up. I’m tired. I’m battle fatigued like hell. A lot of the time, I don’t know how much longer I can fight.

Lately I’ve been pouring myself into hobbies to the point that it’s detrimental to everything else. My only hobby is yard sales and thrift stores. Tonight I detoured on my way home to hit four curb alerts and try to snag free shit to sell. Steph asks me where the hell I plan on keeping everything, because what I’ve already gotten is trickling through the whole house. Selling is slow work, but acquiring is easy.

But I need this. That sounds so fucking stupid when I say it. I need this. I need to find an awesome deal on an item I can theoretically resell because it gives me a feeling of control in a life that’s otherwise spiraling into madness. I need to assert control on something, ANYTHING, to give me a sense that I am the one guiding my life.

I need this so that spiraling madness of existence doesn’t drive me back to the bottle.

That sounds so weak willed when I reread it all, but it’s just the truth. I’m struggling bad lately because I feel incredibly helpless, and I get the sense that it’s all going to collapse like a house of cards sooner or later. And when it falls apart, what’s standing between me and a bottle of bourbon? So I say fuck it. If sorting dozens of crates of used books is what keeps me sane, then that’s what I do.

When life gives us so many difficulties that we can’t recover before the next one hits, we don’t have a lot of options. We can fight, or we can run. For me, running is not an option, because running only creates more difficulties. So I’ll work through it the best I can. If that sends me down some strange roads, so be it. As long as those roads aren’t paved with whiskey, I’ll be alright.

Do your best. It’s all any of us can do.

Lithium may control my mood swings and even out my mood, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have mood changes. It doesn’t mean that I float along at a steady medium, never dipping too high or low from the medically regulated baseline I’m accustomed to. No, it doesn’t mean I no longer get sad or happy.

If anything, it’s made the lows a little less severe, and the transition between moods a smooth process, and not a frantic back and forth. Less severe doesn’t mean nonexistent. I’m actually coming out of what I assume has been a manic episode, and I’m monitoring my mood pretty closely. Monitoring doesn’t mean I can change it, it just means I’m being aware of it.

The quest for happiness is bullshit. Or I should say, people’s definition of happiness is bullshit. People think of it as something tangible; something that once achieved, remains. They think of it as a state of emotional being where the bad can no longer touch you. That’s not happiness, that’s joy.

It’s a train of thought that’s dangerous to your own wellbeing. You can’t sustain joy for the long term anymore than you can sustain ongoing anger or fear. The fight to sustain constant joy would result in your brain melting. The denial of anger, pain, and sadness would compress and compound those feelings into a festering ball in your gullet, and they would eventually force their way out in a display that would most likely be extreme and embarrassing.

So yes, your quest for happiness is bullshit.

So let’s reframe what we call happiness. Let’s stop saying that happiness is all about smiles and pleasantry and laughing. Because again, that’s called joy.

If I had to pick a mood to experience over a long period of time, it would actually be less about joy and more about contentment. I’d rather just be okay with whatever is happening. Joy is prone to disruption by bad situations. It’s hard to laugh and smile when shit is falling apart around you, but being content? Being content doesn’t hinge on external factors.

A lot of people think I have a negative attitude because of this stance. I’d argue that this is the most positive attitude one can actually have. The problem with our current social view of positivity is that it often glosses over the negative, or sugar coats things. It has people believing that in order to be positive, you have to rid yourself of the negative. That’s impossible. You can’t remove all struggles, you can only trade one set for another.

So the idea that you’re somehow going to find a constant state of joy is a pipe dream at best. Abandon that idea. Just get it out of your fuckin head and move forward. Embrace the hardships when you experience them, because they are teachers. Always work for the best outcomes, and understand that you may not get them. This is what real positivity and contentment mean, and this is a keystone to a happier life.

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I hope the clickbait title is what brought you here. Especially because most of the time when you click on clickbait titles, it only gives you some rah rah bullshit to make you feel good, and doesn’t actually address anything. That’s not what I do. Oh no, I throw the garbage side of things right at you, just so you’re aware.

So here it is: life is really hard sometimes.

Not the big revelation I was making it out to be. Everybody knows life can be really hard. A lot of self help gurus tell you that mindset and positivity and manifesting your dreams and shit will basically remove difficulty. Yeah that’s a fucking lie. If the story of the Buddha tells us anything, it’s that no one is safe from the harsh realities of existence.

Instead, we can only learn to manage our own reactions to the thoughts and emotions that rise and fall in our minds. The good and bad of life will continue, with no discretion to man or woman. We just have to keep going.

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I’ve been having some difficult times lately. I’ve had a lot of internal struggle, and a lot of external hardships and obstacles just tossing logs on the fire. The shit is like a beach party bonfire at this point, and I hate sand. Does that metaphor make sense? Fuck no, but it makes me uncomfortable so it’s doing its job.

Let me be clear about something. This isn’t easy for me. I’m not giving advice because I’ve transcended or some shit, I’m giving it because this is what I’m doing to stay above water. Some people can handle things better than others, and some people just present well. Don’t be fooled, everyone faces challenges.

So yeah, self help gurus tell you that positive mindset and actualizing your energy or some crap will fix it. They’re half right. Positive mindset will absolutely help, even to the point of possibly saving your life. But that’s not all it takes.

It takes action. It takes perseverance. It takes being stubborn and unwilling to quit.

I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass. A lot of us haven’t even seen the biggest challenges we’ll face. But that doesn’t mean they’ll break us, and that doesn’t mean you have to face them alone. Just be open about what you’re going through, and willing to take a helping hand.

Keep going. You got this.

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When you’re in addiction recovery, relapse is when you start using drugs or alcohol again. So relapse happens because you use drugs or alcohol, right? Not really. Not at all, actually.

Going back to using is the definition of relapse, but it starts a lot earlier than that. Some people dance with relapse for days, weeks, months, even years without picking up. The reality is that most people have already relapsed before they even take that drink.

Real recovery takes a lot of ongoing psychological work. It’s awareness of thoughts, drives, urges, motivations, and the full range of emotion. Drinking is only a symptom of deeper issues, and unless those are recognized and managed, you simply can’t find happiness in lasting sobriety.

In my experience, there are two things that stand in the way of enjoying the happiness afforded through long standing sobriety. Those things are honesty and a maintained awareness and evaluation of your thoughts, emotions, and drives. Let’s dive into those a little bit.

Honesty and recovery

Honesty seems like it should be a no brainer, but you’d be surprised how many people can’t keep this simple ethic, myself included. Every addict has a long history of lying, even about the stupidest shit. The big lies have been easy to stop, it’s those little ones that are hard. Why would I lie about what I had for lunch? Who knows, it’s just standard addict behavior. Lie about everything.

So what’s the big deal about little lies? Why are they dangerous? I mean, if you’re being honest about serious things, then who cares about bending the truth or embellishing a little? Well, the more small lies you allow, the easier it becomes to lie. The easier the small ones are, the easier it is to lie about bigger and bigger things.

I look at lies, no matter how small, like shadows. Every shadow gives me a place to hide. When I lie, I’m hiding behaviors I think will create friction in my life. I’m avoiding confrontation. The more shadows, the more places to hide behavior I know is unacceptable. Hiding questionable behavior is a step in the direction of relapse.

If I am adamant about being honest with everyone, even about the uncomfortable shit, then I’m shining light into the corners. Remove the shadow, remove the hiding place. Stay honest, and you will automatically avoid bad behavior just to avoid the confrontation and accountability that come with it.

Evaluating your motives

I suppose this is a little trickier than not lying, but it’s definitely as important. We have the natural inclination to view things from our own perspective. The problem with that is the truth becomes tainted by our experiences and emotions. We justify behavior by how we feel, and offset blame to others. If we step outside of our own narrow scope, we can see our own fault, and work to correct it.

Look, the fact of the matter is that if you don’t take the time and effort to learn WHY you do the shit you do and act the way you do, then you’re going to keep doing dumb shit. And if you struggle with an addiction, doing dumb shit is a shortcut to relapse. I feel like I should make a chart or a venn diagram or something to illustrate it.

A lot of our actions are based on first reaction to what’s happening. Most of us are guilty of not taking a moment to think rationally about our actions, and instead letting emotion dictate what we do. First reactions tend to be defensive. Often, we’re defending our own faults and shortcomings.

If we want unbiased perspective, we need to work on changing our relationship with our mind and emotions. We have to remind ourselves that our thoughts and emotions are subconscious products of the brain, and we don’t have control over what pops up in our head. What we do have control over is how we react to those thoughts and emotions. You can’t stop yourself from feeling anger, but you don’t have to feed back into it by dwelling on it and creating negative thought patterns.

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the problem. Your unresolved trauma and inability to confront your shortcomings are. Face them. Recovery will be a lot easier.

Some days you feel like you can take on the world, and some days you want to smash your own dick with a hammer. Those days where you feel so little patience that severing a limb to escape everything seems a viable tactic. Where nothing is acceptable, and you want to burn every motherfucker that gets near you, even if “near” just means you saw posts on Instagram.

I want to stay present in whatever it is I’m doing. When I say “whatever it is,” I really mean whatever it is I SHOULD be doing but can’t seem to focus enough to do it. You ever feel like you need a day or two of absolute solitude just to get your thoughts organized? Just a couple days to sit down and write down a plan of action? Instead, it’s like somebody flicks you in the back of the ear every time you start to gain any level of focus.

I’m so fucking ADD it’s ridiculous, and I can’t tune out the distractions when I need to work. And the truth is, I really need to fucking work right now. I need to work on what I’m actually trying to accomplish. I need to work on defining it. I need to work on mapping it.

I never actually work like that, though. I usually just frantically jump back and forth between half a dozen things until something works. The thing is, everything tastes like failure before I start, and my wheels are spinning. I don’t think I’m scared of the failure, because I always learn something in the process, but it’s like it’s tainted before it starts. I feel burdened by concepts.

That makes for uncomfortable bedfellows, because I’m burdened by my career too. Tattooing lost it’s magic a long time ago for me, and the ongoing process of limiting booking, limiting style, limiting content of my tattoos is all about me being able to find something that resembles happiness. I have no fucking idea what that is sometimes, but I’m going to keep looking. And if I find myself hacking off toes and heels to contort my feet to fit that shoe, then I guess that’s what I’m doing.

We’re all on a quest just to find our happiness. We want fulfillment and a sense of purpose. We want to be sure that we’re happy in our endeavors, and that they’ll mean something to someone; anyone really. I’ve talked over and over about my desire to be liked and accepted for who I am and what I do, and this doesn’t feel any different.

So what do you do when you hit these crossroads in life? You keep working. You work more, and work harder. I know some people would say that’s the wrong answer, but they’re wrong. Hard work is always the deciding factor in getting where you want to be.

I don’t know exactly where I want to be in the future. I know I want to rely more on my artwork as I come, and I thoroughly enjoy buying and selling weird shit I find at yard sales and thrift stores. I could do both of those every day and be happy. I want to be home more and at work less, and I want to be able to split attention quickly when I need to. Tattooing has always been good to me, and I can’t see me leaving it, but it doesn’t hold the importance it once did.

All I know is that I’ve been getting more and more uneasy about where my future lies, and the more time that passes without me doing something about it, the more unhappy I’ll be. I have to take steps right now, right here, whether I feel ready or not.

It’s the same for everyone. You have to take steps toward what makes you happy, even if you don’t always know what that is. Time doesn’t stop for any of us, and if we just stay in one place without making changes, we’ll eventually resent our position, even though we’re the only ones to blame.

Today I’ll make a conscious decision to take a step forward, even if it feels like I’m going back. Today, I’ll get out of my comfort zone and take chances. Life is too short and my happiness is imperative.

When I say being a new father makes sense, I don’t necessarily mean it’s a great idea. Not for everyone, for sure. But then again, kids aren’t for everyone. What I mean is that at 40, being a new father finally makes sense for me.

That doesn’t mean I love and appreciate a child at 40 more than I did at 26, or 29, or 37, it just means that I feel more prepared and capable of being a good father. Becoming a parent makes you question and evaluate a lot of things, and the truth is, I lacked the self awareness for honest evaluation when I was younger. It’s only been as I’ve gotten older and made a conscious effort for personal growth that I feel the responsibility of parenthood is one I should be trusted with.

I think a lot of people take for granted what being a parent really means. You become responsible for feeding, clothing, and housing a tiny helpless human. But that’s just the meat and potatoes of it. Anybody can cook shitty mean and potatoes, just like anyone can raise a shitty person. The important part is in the details.

You’re expected to raise a functioning adult, who is a productive member of society.

Well, fuck, I’M barely a functioning adult. That’s where the truth of it all is. We’re expected to raise functioning adults when most of us, to some extent, still feel like children.

I believe that most people don’t live to their potential, and aren’t being the best person they can be. It’s just the way human beings are. Our baseline behaviors contain a lot of fear, anger, anxiety, and selfish behavior. We’re egocentric creatures who are always concerned for our own well-being , even if it’s at the expense of others. You see this play out in the political landscape constantly. Fear mongering and xenophobia are standard platforms for a lot of politicians.

It takes conscious effort to live life from a place of deeper compassion and honesty. Facing our own shortcomings and fears is incredibly difficult, but when we do, we’re able to grow and become better people. Being a better person resonates outward and affects those we come in contact with. And who do we come in contact with more than our children?

Children need guidance to make the right decisions, be honest with others, and let go of anger. We expect them to be grateful and treat others with kindness. Yet at the same time, we don’t always exhibit those characteristics in ourselves. How can we expect them to behave in ways we don’t behave? Children learn by the example they’re shown, not by the words they’re told.

I remember from my childhood the hypocrisy of adults, and how we were told to do certain things and act certain ways that they themselves didn’t. I remember grown ups breaking cardinal rules like it wasn’t a big deal, though they had been ingrained in my head as the gospel. Those experiences are commonly shared, and I’m sure you have your own versions. Those experiences also help create a cynical world view, and at the same time, the corrupt world we view with cynicism.

This is why I feel better equipped for parenting at 40. When I look at what I want to teach my children, I know that I can also hold myself to that standard. I don’t want my kids to lie? Then I don’t lie. I want my kids to be kind? Then I am kind to others. It’s really simple, and tragically overlooked, ignored, or even more often, excuses are used to justify the behavior.

I love all of my children. My daughters are growing into amazing young women, and I’m incredibly proud of their strength and intelligence. I hope that my personal problems I navigated through their early years don’t have too bad of an effect on them, and I hope they recognize the changes I’ve made in who I am as a person.

And I hope my sons can emulate the man I’m becoming, and not the man I was. One day I’ll teach them about that man, and what he had to do to become their father. But for now, pancakes and hugs are enough.

I’ll start by saying the name of this post is a lie. Acceptance isn’t the key to happiness, because there is no key to happiness. There’s no magic wand to wave and sprinkle some fuckin pixie dust and you’re all smiles forever. There’s no happiness cheat code.

What there is is strategies; actions and plans that help you along the path to happiness. Acceptance is a big one. As you learn to accept the reality of the situations you find yourself in, you’ll find it more and more difficult to be vexed by them.

A lot of people mistake acceptance for being supportive of your situation. This is completely incorrect. Accepting a situation is only a recognition of what’s happening. We tend to push away shit we don’t like, and all too often that means ignoring key aspects of difficulties we face. We ignore uncomfortable challenges to the point that they destroy us and the things around us, just to avoid facing it, as per the “this is fine” dog.

A much simpler and more effective strategy is acceptance. It’s only when you recognize and accept what’s happening that you can begin to make a difference. If you don’t take control of your situation, your situation will just run it’s own course. Very rarely will that be in a way you actually like.

I hate uncomfortable shit. I hate being in situations that are confrontational, or that are bound to have bad outcomes. Yet never once have I been able to ignore a bad situation and have it resolve itself nicely. That’s not real life. That’s not how things happen.

A lot of this goes hand in hand with what I call toxic positivity, or false positivity. This is the neatly packaged positive affirmation lifestyle that you see on Instagram. This is the idea people pitch of how if you just focus on the good, then good things will happen. I’m not going to discount the power of positive thinking, but I do want to dispel the concept that bad things won’t happen if you think positively.

The truth is, bad shit still happens and you have to deal with it. The first major step in that is acceptance. Learn to accept what’s happening, and you’ll be able to make decisions in a responsible way.

I can and will continue to talk about acceptance in the future, but right now I have a little boy who wants to hang out with his dad. Check this video out for more of my opinions on acceptance.

I feel like this subject gets beaten to death. Not that that’s a bad thing. After all, repetition is a great way to learn, and anything important bears repeating. But do you really understand why gratitude is so important?

We live in a consumer-centric culture, and people place a lot of value on possessions. Many people want to place the blame for that on greedy companies selling the products, but products are only made to meet demand. The true fault for our obsession with things is in us, the consumer. At the root of it is a dissatisfaction with the things we have.

I’m not knocking nice things. I love nice things. There is nothing wrong with having nice things, and setting goals for tangible items is totally fine. What’s bad for our mindset and mental health is when our craving and desire for those items overrides everything else. You might want a Porsche, but your life isn’t over because you drive a Toyota.

We associate happiness with success, and success with wealth, and wealth with possessions. So when our mind breaks it down, happiness = possessions. I can’t really think of a more fucked thought process. Each of those things has little bearing on the next, in addition to being shitty definitions of those words in the first place. We need to overhaul those definitions, but I’ll save that for another time.

For now, let’s bring it back to possessions, and our obsession with them. This constant comparison we subconsciously play creates a grass is greener mentality. As we sit and crave what we see as better, we begin to resent what we own. Resentment is the opposite of appreciation.

So what happens when you can’t appreciate what you already have? You get bitter. You get angry. You spend your time wishing for other things instead of living in the present. When you can’t live in the present, you can’t prepare for the future. When you can’t prepare for the future, you can’t create a path to the things you want.

Oddly enough, one of the most important ways to get what you want is to stop reaching for it so damn hard. Stop desiring it so much. Start looking at the good in your life and appreciate it for what it is. Accept it, and plan for the future.

I’m not saying you can’t get what you want in other ways, because you certainly can. But none of those ways are going to bring you happiness and personal fulfillment along the path, and when you reach your goal, it’s going to feel empty. After all, a key to appreciating what you have is understanding that it could be worse. Shit, it’s probably the single biggest part of appreciation. When you don’t understand that it could be worse, you’ll always be reaching for something better.

You can know that you have a shitty, unreliable car, but at least you don’t have to walk. Understand?

Let’s just be honest, nobody likes a complainer. Stop bitching about what you have and learn to be grateful. Big things happen in your mindset when you take time to be grateful.

Its a shitty statement to even utter, but it’s the truth. Sometimes bad people never get what we think they deserve. It’s tough to process, especially if your personal feelings are involved. Watching someone who you know has trash character be successful is painful.

We love a hero story. Literature and film have been telling the story of good vs. evil for as long as they’ve existed. We love the underdog, we love karmic retribution. We love watching Rocky beat Ivan Drago.

But the reality of life isn’t as black and white, and we don’t always get that scripted ending. We don’t always get our way. In fact, we rarely get our way unless we’re willing to put in intense amounts of work. Before we can do that, we need to better understand this uncomfortable truth.

Who’s the bad guy?

In real life, it’s a lot harder to discern good from bad, right from wrong. Aside from ax murderers and serial rapists, a lot of bad behaviors operate in a real hazy space. Most people will deliberately mask their shitty actions behind some form of kindness. They do this because they know it’s wrong, and people will judge them for it.

But how can you be a good judge of character if the negativity isn’t up front? Unfortunately, that’s an ongoing dilemma. The truth is, you’ll get duped, you’ll befriend people who are selfish, ego driven, and sometimes full blown sociopaths.

Following is a list of traits and behaviors to be on the lookout for.

• Angered frequently, easily, or excessively
• Intentionally blames others for their own behavior
• Self absorbed and inclined to brag
• Uses kindness or generosity as leverage in relationships
• Critical of others and unforgiving
• Hates puppies

Okay, so I may have just thrown in that last one, but it’s definitely a red flag. Another red flag I didn’t put on the list but could be, is if they have an extensive list of former friends who “wronged them.” We all have a few of those, but when there’s a small army, it often points to a more serious issue.

You also need to look at these things and ask yourself “am I the bad guy?” Sometimes you may be more of a Leonard Shelby than a Clark Kent.

I fucked you up with that one, huh?

Cold, hard truth

So there’s an ugly truth we have to face. The idea that these fakes and liars never get the justice we know they rightfully deserve. The truth is that some terrible people live to ripe old ages, and die with a smile, never paying for their transgressions.

How do we cope with that? How do we come to grips with the idea that life isn’t always fair? To start, you need to accept that life has no bias toward anyone, good or bad. Luck isn’t a thing. We create a good portion of the positive and negative aspects of our lives, and the rest is just statistical chance.

If you think good always wins, then why did Kim Jong Il die while in power? It’s simple: good doesn’t always win. Sometimes the bad guy wins.

I’m not saying this to appear negative, or to dash the hopes and dreams of those who type “amen” in the comment section. It’s just the truth.

So maybe your personal nemesis will always do well. Maybe the person you know who is a selfish fraud will continue to pull the wool over the eyes of everyone around them. You’re just going to have to deal with that, and the best way is to not deal with it.

That’s right, just don’t deal with it. Don’t deal with that person. Don’t associate with them, don’t do anything to support them, don’t let them invade your thoughts and take your power.

The ideal goal is to raise your self awareness and acceptance to a point that you don’t let shit phase you. You can be aware of your anger, jealousy, and that biting desire for vengeance, yet not be consumed by it. In fact, the quicker you can recognize it and say “I see you,” the quicker you can drop it and move on. Simple acknowledgement is enough to weaken the grip just enough to start wriggling free.

We can’t let our skewed view of fairness and justice piss in our Cheerios. We have to acknowledge that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people, and then we have to let it go. Look at the rage simmering in your stomach, and say “I see you.”

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