I have mental Illinois

Remember that time I decided I’d post a blog every Saturday? That was two Saturdays ago and I already missed the second one. I guess that’s just life with ADHD, right? Or bipolar disorder. Sometimes symptoms overlap so much I can’t tell the difference.

What I do know is that both of them provide me with both advantages and disadvantages when it comes to productivity and creativity. Traditionally speaking, my bipolar has allowed me to enter periods of intense productivity during hypomanic phases. I create more than usual, I get more done, and ideas are bursting out of my head. Alternately, when depressed, moving is difficult and I’m not accomplishing anything.

It’s similar with ADHD. I can focus intently on one thing for long periods of time, but others just sort of disappear into nothingness. My approach to problem solving is creative, yet implementing is difficult.

Nature is fucked up like that. It’s like, I’m going to make you smart and creative, but you’re also going to lack focus and your moods will swing violently between suicidal despondency and jittery giddy irritability. Have fun.

The good news is I’ve found a level of stability lately. Whatever cocktail of meds I’m on has been working, and I’m beginning to level out to what I assume is normalcy. Mostly, at least. I’m not a normal person and never will be, nor would I want to be. The madness I’ve been gifted and cursed with is an integral part of who I am. The experience of being bipolar has shaped me into the man I am, and I wouldn’t want to change myself, even with the glaring flaws, flashing like neon signs above my head.

I think that’s something a lot of us struggle with. Acceptance. The mentally ill, the addicts, the neurodivergents; we all go through times we wish we could be normal. But the undeniable fact is that we are not. Our brains work differently, and they’ll never be what people call normal. I’m not mentally healthy and I’m through and through an addict. I can’t even play a gambling mini game in a video game because I start to obsess. And that’s okay.

I know, right? Saying all of my faulty circuits are okay? Seems counterintuitive. We all want to function at our peak, right? And how could someone possibly do that when their brain is a grab bag of dysfunction?

That’s the thing. No one is capable of functioning at their peak all the time. There’s always down time. The only difference is that when I’m not functioning at my peak, I’m a disorderly mess. But when I do? When I do function at my peak, I bury competition. Functioning at my peak means I function higher than the average person.

It’s the same for most of us, whether we know it or not. A lot of us have problems getting past the trauma of being who we are and dealing with the negatives of our issues, but we owe it to ourselves to reconcile our trauma, and accept our shortcomings. Often they can become strengths when we begin the process of learning how to harness the positive aspects. But you can’t do that without leaving a victim mentality. You have to stop wishing you were normal and feeling self pity for the struggles and challenges you face.

I’m glad I am what I am. I’m bipolar 2, have ADHD, and I’m a recovering alcoholic. That means I am incredibly productive and full of ideas, I am extremely focused on my chosen tasks, and I am obsessive over them. That means I can accomplish just about anything I set out to do through hard work and force of will. I’m not an especially talented artist or tattooer. It took me a long time to do anything worthwhile. I just don’t quit and I put hours in.

This doesn’t mean I’ve mastered my illness and now it bends to my will. Hell, at the end of 2021 I started coming down from a mixed manic/depressive episode that lasted for over 2 years and almost destroyed my life. But I get up. Sometimes it takes a long time, but I get up. And when I do, I’ve learned something. I’ve grown stronger, I’ve improved on the old me.

Revere your sickness. Treat it with respect and take it seriously. But don’t for a second roll over and let it run your life. It will shape you and change you, but it doesn’t have to dictate how you live. There will be setbacks. There will be struggles. Accept them for what they are and learn from them. The only thing that can stop you from living your fullest life is you.