I haven’t written a blog post worth writing in nine months, and almost every single one starts out with a similar sentence about how I haven’t written any blog posts. So I guess this one isn’t that different, except MAYBE I’ll hit that publish button.
The reason I’m writing tonight is because there’s been a patched hole in my wall for over a month that I have yet to sand and paint. It’s what we call executive dysfunction. lodged somewhere in my bipolar 2 or my ADHD or both is executive dysfunction. It’s where you know you need to do things, you WANT to get them done, but you can’t make yourself take action. Sounds like a cop out, I know. But believe me, it’s real.
I barely function as an adult. The hole is a prime example. But it’s not just the hole, It’s also paying bills, fixing broken things around the house, organizing the chaos, making important phone calls, you name it. Things are at best half finished and at worst, they snowball into catastrophe. And I can’t help it.
I’m 42 years old. I’ve read books, used different methods and techniques, taken webinars and online courses, and I just can’t get my shit together. You know when things get done? When I get someone else to do them. I don’t function the way people are supposed to, and it’s not my fault. I’m basically awful at anything you can consider adulting.
Most of the time I’m good at being a dad, and I’m usually a good husband (when I’m not the worst husband ever thank you very much bipolar 2) but the only things I truly excel at are art and tattooing. That’s it. I’m good at making art and doing tattoos. I’m good at making money.
The gist of this whole thing is, I suck at almost everything unless it involves art or tattoos. Put my hands to work at what they’re meant for, because putting them to other work only makes me look like a slothful and stupid man. And no one wants to be looked at like an idiot.
I haven’t had a lot to say the past nine months, because I haven’t felt very good about myself and my actions. I haven’t been the best person, and I haven’t treated my loved ones with love. Maybe if I just hit publish, I can start properly working through it.
2 thoughts on “I barely function”
Reading your post felt like you plagarized my thoughts. Im also diagnosed BPII, PTSD, and MDD. I only function at “living” because I breathe. Im married to my best friend (met in 1998), we have an amazing daughter, but I can’t seem to find the drive to be more involved. He’s an amazing father & husband. I feel less than worthy of them and as much as I want to keep my husband interested in me, I cant seem to make any effort to stay attractive or engaged. I’d like to, but I don’t do an jutting towards that.
I often think about people who had so much “life” but passed away young. I feel guilty for not being happy when I know my life is blessed. There’s nothing wrong but everything is wrong. Its a frustrating condition. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Executive dysfunction is so, so frustrating and just downright confusing.
I love what I’m studying, but can I bring myself to open any of my textbooks?
I love hiking the dunes, but can I bring myself to leave the house? No.
I love my awesome friends and family, but do I ever return calls or texts?
I love making art and I’m good at it, but can I bring myself to finish any single project I start?
That’s also a no.
But will I bury my head in the sand and let my health and relationships deteriorate?
You bet ya.
I feel your pain. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Neurotypicals just don’t understand.
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