I wonder all the time why I bother writing a blog. I’m inconsistent, negligent, and most of my observations are, on some level, just me complaining. I talk about productivity but get nothing done. I talk about motivation but can barely get out of bed. I talk about mental health and sobriety when both are one wrong move away from crashing.
Essentially, I’m bat shit crazy and just dream of being something more than I am. I dream of being in shape but I won’t work out or eat better. I dream of being an author but won’t sit down and write a single page. There’s a thousand projects started and zero completed. Businesses I want to take off, yet I can’t run the one I already established. Imposter syndrome is basically my comfort zone.
I’ve felt really beat down the past week. I’ve been sleeping more than normal and accomplishing very little. My meds have been screwed up for weeks, and I know that’s taking a toll on me. Some days the simplest tasks have been a struggle. Even though I know this is normal for anyone who manages any type of mood disorder, I still can’t seem to let myself off the hook.
What are you supposed to do when you feel this way? The only word I can come up with is persevere. I know sure as shit that quitting isn’t an option. I can barely even forgive myself for giving less effort, even though that’s an unrealistic and necessary part of perseverance. Rest is necessary to refuel and have the wherewithal to keep going.
A lot of the time I ask myself who I think I am to tell anyone about managing their lives or mental health. I hold a lot of insecurity about my place in the pecking order. These are questions worth asking, because we don’t normally go to people who are IN the same position for advice, but rather people who have been THROUGH it. But that gets me wondering at what point are any of us through anything? Aren’t we all just at different places in the path? And the path isn’t even linear.
One could surmise that on a nonlinear path, any of us could be further ahead or behind regardless of how it appears. If that’s the case, then we could learn from anyone, regardless of their position. It all comes down to how many people we can teach. In the same way I look to others who I believe are wiser, some look to me, and still others look to those people. Then just as often, it works in reverse. People can just as easily look up to each other and admire those who haven’t come as far in their journey.
I forget this all the time. I look at myself, and magnify my faults and mistakes, not recognizing just how far I’ve actually come. There are numerous things I’ve learned, and continue to learn, that can be helpful to others. Self criticism has to end at some point, and non biased perspective has to be embraced.
This is why I have to persevere, and you need to do the same. It’s hard to see the full scope of things when you become too focused on yourself. That’s why we have to keep pushing forward, even when we don’t feel we’re getting anywhere. Growing and learning is not a linear path, so you may be further ahead than you think. Even if you aren’t, there may be others who are watching and taking notes, learning from your successes and failures.
You don’t owe it to anyone to keep going, and it’s not your responsibility to teach or inspire. But you do owe it to yourself, and you are responsible for your own growth and education. Life is just an accumulation of knowledge, and to stop pursuing knowledge is to stop living. All personal growth is is acquiring knowledge and learning to apply it.
I’m not totally sure where I’m going with this, I’m just sort of venting and airing out my brain a bit. The arcing theme here is that we need to stop berating ourselves. We can be our own worst enemy sometimes, and it’s important we take a minute to step back and recognize when we’re doing that.
Just be good to yourself. Be kind. Don’t waste time tearing yourself down, because you can’t get that time back. And time is precious.