When you need to change, but don’t know what you need

Some days you feel like you can take on the world, and some days you want to smash your own dick with a hammer. Those days where you feel so little patience that severing a limb to escape everything seems a viable tactic. Where nothing is acceptable, and you want to burn every motherfucker that gets near you, even if “near” just means you saw posts on Instagram.

I want to stay present in whatever it is I’m doing. When I say “whatever it is,” I really mean whatever it is I SHOULD be doing but can’t seem to focus enough to do it. You ever feel like you need a day or two of absolute solitude just to get your thoughts organized? Just a couple days to sit down and write down a plan of action? Instead, it’s like somebody flicks you in the back of the ear every time you start to gain any level of focus.

I’m so fucking ADD it’s ridiculous, and I can’t tune out the distractions when I need to work. And the truth is, I really need to fucking work right now. I need to work on what I’m actually trying to accomplish. I need to work on defining it. I need to work on mapping it.

I never actually work like that, though. I usually just frantically jump back and forth between half a dozen things until something works. The thing is, everything tastes like failure before I start, and my wheels are spinning. I don’t think I’m scared of the failure, because I always learn something in the process, but it’s like it’s tainted before it starts. I feel burdened by concepts.

That makes for uncomfortable bedfellows, because I’m burdened by my career too. Tattooing lost it’s magic a long time ago for me, and the ongoing process of limiting booking, limiting style, limiting content of my tattoos is all about me being able to find something that resembles happiness. I have no fucking idea what that is sometimes, but I’m going to keep looking. And if I find myself hacking off toes and heels to contort my feet to fit that shoe, then I guess that’s what I’m doing.

We’re all on a quest just to find our happiness. We want fulfillment and a sense of purpose. We want to be sure that we’re happy in our endeavors, and that they’ll mean something to someone; anyone really. I’ve talked over and over about my desire to be liked and accepted for who I am and what I do, and this doesn’t feel any different.

So what do you do when you hit these crossroads in life? You keep working. You work more, and work harder. I know some people would say that’s the wrong answer, but they’re wrong. Hard work is always the deciding factor in getting where you want to be.

I don’t know exactly where I want to be in the future. I know I want to rely more on my artwork as I come, and I thoroughly enjoy buying and selling weird shit I find at yard sales and thrift stores. I could do both of those every day and be happy. I want to be home more and at work less, and I want to be able to split attention quickly when I need to. Tattooing has always been good to me, and I can’t see me leaving it, but it doesn’t hold the importance it once did.

All I know is that I’ve been getting more and more uneasy about where my future lies, and the more time that passes without me doing something about it, the more unhappy I’ll be. I have to take steps right now, right here, whether I feel ready or not.

It’s the same for everyone. You have to take steps toward what makes you happy, even if you don’t always know what that is. Time doesn’t stop for any of us, and if we just stay in one place without making changes, we’ll eventually resent our position, even though we’re the only ones to blame.

Today I’ll make a conscious decision to take a step forward, even if it feels like I’m going back. Today, I’ll get out of my comfort zone and take chances. Life is too short and my happiness is imperative.

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